As the inevitable post-TDF blues sets in while waiting for the inevitable post-TDF bombshell positive to drop, I’ve decided to wax lyrical and type some nonsense. In my not-so-humble opinion, what we witnessed was, by far, the cleanest least dirty Tour in the past 2 decades. And by least dirty, I mean: either there weren’t as many dopers, or it was still rampant but they all were micro-dosing their way to spectacular mediocrity (or a mix of the two). Whatever the case may be, the race was exciting for all three weeks until it was brutally obvious the skinny Schleck still sucked at time trialling. We saw failed bids for glory by not just the lesser teams, otherwise known as French, but the GC contenders as well. Finally, they were willing to lose it all in order to win. Here’s a rundown of what I can remember…

Obviously Cadel

With this win (which I’m huge fan of), Evans can now can say in an excruciatingly high-pitched voice, ”Suck me!” to all the wheelsucking-accusing-naysayers (besides, Bottle’s WSLs are much more pronounced). That boy raced the cleft off his chin this year winning a road stage, pulling the peloton across the mountains 2x, and crushing the dreams of a teenage boy in the final TT— Cadel is the man, mate! And considering all the near misses he’s been through, I can’t imagine a more worthy and deserving Tour champion. Except, of course, ★Lance Armstrong★.

DosSchleckies™

The Frandy twins proved all doubters right by demonstrating what #trueracing means: to attack with the ferocity of a wet towel. If they weren’t breaking their necks pining for each other, they were #truewhining about the parcours. Luckily Andy is only 15. He’s got plenty of time to come in second for the rest of his career. But hey, I keed. The brothers did make the final podium. So maybe, just maybe, in a land far, far away—Andy will climb that top step.

Voeckler

Unbelievable. He. Did. It. Again. It would’ve been a 2004 redux, if not for a few eyebrow-raising moments when he was covering Andy and Bertie’s attacks with shocking aplomb. However, we once again were treated to le Petit Blanc’s poop-grind climbing style and subsequent sufferface in the Alps. His freakishly tight grip on the yellow jersey was only matched in tenacity by the sheer strength it took for his sphincter not to blow his innards into his bibshorts, as he repeatedly dug deeper than ever to climb onto the podium.

Albuterol Clentador

I confused the **** out of my followers as I transformed from a vehement Anti-Bertie, to actually calling him Alberto. I think my softening can be traced to the moment he was Karpets-burned by the Iteraean hit squad. When he struggled in the mountains I nearly sent my 50¢ a day in to sponsor him as my doe-eyed monetary foster-child. Finally, a futile long distance attack spiced with a backhand to a spectator, followed by zero complaints and only congratulations for those who defeated him sealed the deal. However, I’m still calling him Clenty until CAS decides his fate in 2015.

Thor for the Memories

See THOR SMASH stage. See THOR ROAR! See THOR HONOR maillot jaune! See THOR EPIC SMASH mountain stage in WC stripes. See THOR AUDITION (via: @nyvelocity) for BMC.

Hoogie and Flecha

Versus immediately licked their lips in anticipation for next year’s 2010 TDF promo spots the moment these two were jettisoned from the break by a motorist enraged that “those damned cyclists” weren’t riding in single file. Snarkfree: it was truly inspirational to see those two continue in the Tour after that horrific incident.

Jeremy Roy

Roy made the break in 32 of 21 stages during this Tour. Kid mad the futile breaks more interesting by making them less futile-er. Deserved an honorary Maillot Jaune on general principle, but instead was bestowed the Maillot l’Amour by the adoring French public and @FestinaGirl.

Mark Cavendash

Meh. He won, he said some stuff, he lost, he said some stuff, he rode in gruppetto, he said some stuff… In the end, you can’t deny the Manxshaw isn’t fast.

The Crashes

The roads of the 2011 Tour de France simultaneously ended both aspirations and careers of many of the GC contenders and race protagonists. The press and Twitter were all atwitter searching for an explanation behind all the crashes. Why, because so many “big names” scattered themselves into le ditches? No one would’ve batted an eye if the majority of those who abandoned were from the Saur-Sojasun team. My feeling is the main reason for all the crashes were accidents. Especially Karpets and Contador! *puts down phone slowly after receiving call from Russia*

Twitter

I’ve done 4 or so Tours on Twitter, and this by far was the most cracked-out, meme-saturated, pontificated edition yet. We’ve honed our crafts of snark, observations, insight, hate and love into 140 characters (except for you deck.ly outcasts) of perfection. It would be too herculean of an effort to justly include and highlight all the fantastic tweeps in the Twitter #cycling community, so I won’t. I will, however, say that it was a pleasure serving with you all, and thanks to all my followers who interacted and/or put up with my incessant #tdf blasts.

Now onto the rest of the season.

Let’s get right to the point. I didn’t want to write this. I’d almost want to read nothing but Dalai Lama “enlightened” @FakeFloydLandis tweets than write something about this year’s Tour de France. But for some reason I feel obligated to fulfill the insatiable appetite of my ever-increasing stable of fans. Plus @_Gavia_ pushed me over the edge. So with little or no ingredients, I’m going to attempt to serve up a steaming hot plate of French snark.

The Pontificator

Kicking things off with the post soundtrack. Replace ‘Percolator’ with ‘Pontificator’ and you’re done.

#DopingsTour2011

@Bikezilla1 said it first and best, this Tour will be the most heavily doped race in years. Under the direction of the UCI, the potential for blood-induced equine fireworks is as sure a bet as Bottle racing sans panache. The past few days is proof as we’ve seen Lotto and BMC caught with their soigneur “man-pris” down around their ankles. The introduction of the now legendary TB-500 extends the “what’s next” doping timeline deep into the future. Not to be outdone, Quick-Step got a cavity search by Le Po-Po today due to an ongoing investigation in part by the well-acronymed OCLAESP. Yes, the same groupement of letters who were trying to insert themselves deep within Astana’s backside during the ’09 Tour.

So what does all this mean? If you still have a yellow band on your Twitter avatar, it means that The Shack can do no wrong, and everyone else are traitorous reprobates ruining the Sport That Lance Built. If you’re in the, “Lance is a traitorous reprobate that ruined the sport you love and each race your heart clings to the delicate hope that the rider you’re cheering is of the chaste variety” camp, good luck with that.

The Pontificator’s picks

Where do I stand? Well, obviously Lance is a traitorous reprobate, but Boredom’s heart has hardened to the idea of hope. While I’m actually optimistic the sport is making gains in the anti-doping fight, I’m definitely not surprised when a racehorse is revealed to have lived their past life as a donkey. I could care less who wins—I simply want a race. This past Giro was rendered impotent from the moment Clenty first attacked, proving to the world he was on Aigle Performance Program for the Gifted and Enhanced. If we’re to bear witness again to aberrations of nature, please let the rest of the field have access to the same training regimen.

So there, I wrote something. Vive le Tour!

Crédits d’image

Images courtesy of: AP and Reuters via Daylife

Christmas in July

Collectively as bike geeks we know the Tour de France heralds the bikes and gear available on the shelves for the upcoming season. The latest and greatest is lacquered upon the riders and paraded around the “hexagon” (Paul-ism) of France. Well, usually the latest and the greatest.

This year’s product WTF moment came when we finally got our eyes on what we heard was a new helmet from Giro named the ProLight. Oooh, it’s both pro level, and it’s light. But damned if this helmet turned out to look like something I’d sell to someone buying their first hybrid. Or a triathlete.

It’s visage sparked something though. Something deep within the recesses of my product addled mind. The Giro Boreas. That was the hot helmet in the late 90′s, up until the 2000 Tour when the Pneumo was introduced.

So I wondered if Giro regressed so much even the Boreas looked more technologically advanced than the ProLight. Unfortunately I was right, and I could’ve stopped there. Just saying that Giro released a helmet that looks worse than a helmet they sold in 1999 should’ve been damning enough. But I’m a bigger **** than that. I had to go for the kill – hit ‘em right in the ol’ Roc Locs. Is there another helmet, that’s so ugly, so painful to look at, that it could potentially kill the ProLight if the two were compared? A tall order you ask? No, and I didn’t have to look outside Giro’s walls for such an insidious shell-top. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Giro Eclipse – literally the only helmet worse looking than the ProLight.

It’s not my imagination either – many of the riders looked as though they didn’t want to wear it. Pretty sure Popo never took his Ionos off the entire race. Lance gave it a shot for a few stages as well as Contador, but it was result was inevitable. The normally product-pimping peloton was definitely not ringing the endorsement bell on this one.

Put me down for – none!

What I miss now is having the reps sell me on the product at Interbike. Some of the cooler ones were able to poke fun at some of their products telling me what I already knew: “You don’t want this one!” Then there were the über-reps with their heads up their asses spitting the company propaganda verbatim. Needless to say they didn’t get big orders. Luckily those insurance salesman were repping **** products/companies anyway so it never hurt us.

At this rate we’ll see this as the top of the line offering in a couple of years!

Annnnd…

To be honest, the helmet doesn’t look that bad. It cuts a decent side profile. You just won’t see it on my head. Crap – what am I saying? I’m the person who defended this helmet purchase years ago. I can’t be trusted for any cycling fashion tips after that debacle.

Finally, if any of you, “Who cares what it looks like, I’ll be passing you while you’re looking in the mirror…” douchebags want to comment go right ahead. Pass me and go join the freak-peloton with: shirtless melanoma man, bibs over cotton t-shirt dude, mismatched pro-kit ass, the aged helmetless masters prima-donna, Cat3 pack-meat race-face wad, fairing-using rocket recumbant man, and the countless hordes wearing their 10 year old helmets backwards. You all deserve each other.

Disclaimer of laziness

I’ve been writing this post very slowly. Unfortunately the Tour doesn’t stop for my inability to finish a task. So this covers several days in a non-coherent, semi-babbling style. Enjoy.

Life before sport

I won’t lie, I got caught up in Stage 14 race drama like everyone else, but you have to step back and realize that none of that compares to the tragedy that transpired on the road. It’s hard to wrap your head around someone losing their life at an event like the Tour de France but it happened. It can definitely put things into perspective quickly.

The race starts. Again.

After the first week of racing and drama, the middle stretch was borderline dismal. Hooray for Cavendish. Hooray for Hushovd. Boo to the race organizers that decided that several flat stages and two mountain stages with downhill finishes were a good idea. It seemed like the race was on auto-pilot.

The 5-second rule

I tried approaching this section of the post from an objective, non-judgmental point of view. But who the **** wants any more of that? For me though, there ARE gifts in the Tour. For someone of George’s stature and tenure, a yellow flavored jersey certainly was in order.

From what I remember, Astana let the gap go every time. When Ag2r finally got their act together and started pulling the break back, they still weren’t able to close it to the point George would lose it. With a very short distance to go it looked good for Hincapie. The we saw Garmin on the front. This is were all the interpretations come into play.

Luckily the stage is over and the Tour rolled on. Unfortunately it looks like some friendships were severely damaged in the process. We’ll see how this turns out.

Two days of some old, nasty LA

Yesterday (Stage 16) and today (Stage 17) the peloton was served some nasty, crusty Lance Armstrong that he himself pulled out from the back of the fridge. Both times were from positions of tactical defensive riding in the name of the team. And both times were savage accelerations that had us all Tweeting “LAAAAAANCE!!!” as fast as our fingers could produce the message.

Today’s drama was the idiotic “attack” that the wunderkind Contador attempted. The acceleration dropped Klodi, distanced Armstrong even more, and jeopardized Astana’s possibility of having a 3-way with the podium. There were some Tweets quoting news sources that said that Contador doesn’t give a **** who comes in second or third and I completely agree. With the way that the Astana team wants Bruyneel out of the way and wants to form another team around Vino and Conty it’s possible that AC is already in that mindframe. Seems like some bad people to make enemies of. You enjoy your time in the bunch next year Contador…

Oh, and the Schleck brothers put everyone in the hurt basket including Contador. Guess that’s important to say. But you’re not here for the news though. So what would make this more interesting? That’s RIGHT! Phil Ligget said that Contador was in the middle of a Luxembourg sandwich! Brilliant.

Team _________

Which brings us to the next step of that last paragraph. Now that the Johan Bruyneel For Make Benefit Glorious Astana Cycling Team will no longer be directed by its namesake, JB has confirmed that he Lance, Levi, and “the redneck” Chris Horner will form like a spandex-clad Voltron. Or they’ll just wear spandex with some new sponsors on it and tear the arse outta the Tour next year.

Of course none of this is 100% confirmed, but we at least know that there will be a team, Lance is on it, and Lance will not ride for anyone other than Johan. We find out tomorrow who the sugar-daddy is. Hopefully someone with a decent color scheme…

UPDATE: As of 11:30 EST (7/22) it looks as though we might be cheering Team Radio Shack. Radio Shack? At least they changed their logo sorta recently. The circle ‘R’ isn’t half bad. Might look good on a jersey. White with red/black accents. Hmmmm…

Here’s hoping

What will we see in tomorrow’s TT on Stage 18? Hopefully a less-than-stellar Frank Schleck dropping big chunks of tarmac-time to Lone Star and relinquishing his shaky hold on the 3 step of the podium. That is a distinct possibility. A harder trail to follow would be an Über on-form Armstrong driving a Trek brand time-seeking missile right up the über-skinny backside of Andy Schleck reclaiming his second spot on the GC. I don’t see that happening, but stranger things have happened – and they’ve happened to(for) Lance.

We can all hope that Contador pulls a Rasmussen during the final TT. Oh wait, not THAT Rasumussen – heheh. I’m talking about the one who couldn’t stay on his TT rig on the second to last day of the Tour. You thought I was talking about the doping Rasmussen. Contador? Never…

We’ll see tomorrow!

Images courtesy of Cyclingnews.com,  AFP, and Roberto Bettini. Please don’t tell them.

El Pistolero v The Boss

“You know you done ****ed up, don’t you? You know it, don’t you? You know you done ***ed up.” – Detective in Menace II Society. I always think in movie quotes. Whether or not the scene parallels what I’m talking/writing about doesn’t matter – the words ring true. Contador ****ed up. Whether or not his attack ends up sealing his ultimate doom (yes! DOOOOOOM!) doesn’t matter. Lance is going to make his life a living hell. He is The Boss – Mr. Big. He’s got back deep like a baby seal (Wu-Tang!) and people prepared to help him when needed. Whatever happens, it certainly will be interesting to say the least. Unfortunately that’s not for nearly a week. Which brings me to…

Dear TDF stagery maker-uppers, WTF?!

The first block of stages before the rest day were full of spicy goodness like a Chipotle Moe’s Burrito! Well except for the last two “MOUNTAIN” stages. I’ve always felt that crossing mountains only to have the finish in the valley below to be a waste of a good mountain (unless of course Beloki is in the race!). This year we’ve had two and they came back to back! This effectively quieted all the great race intrigue of the first week and nulled the GC contest to a few futile attacks and absurdities.

Unfortunately we have to endure nearly a week of sprinting/escaping until the freaking 15th stage for any truly shattering GC changes. They decided to have two crappy eunich-style mountain stages followed by blah. Although stage 13 seems to have some balls to it considering the summit of the last climb comes relatively close to the end of the stage. That crap on stage 9 of having the summit nearly at the halfway point of the stage needs to never, ever happen again. Ever.

Leave Phil alone!

After reading several Tweets, and a bit by one of my favorite Tour posts so far by Competitive Cyclist re: Phill Ligget I just have to say – back off! Of course I have a soft-spot for him and Paul Sherwen since they’ve been the voice of the Tour for so long. It’s a comfort to hear these guys talk about cycling when you compare them to the others out there. Although it sounds like David Harmon and the loquaciously effervescent Sean Kelly are giving them a run for their Euros. No one can match the Phil and Paul show for their sayings! You can usually predict when they’re about to spout one out. You could even make a game out of it.

Phil is forgetting some riders, and miss-naming others, but there’s two things that make this a non-issue for me. One, everyone’s coverage makes mistakes. From the online text coverage to the color commentary, these people have to make quick calls on 190 riders at the start of Le Tour. And two, these 190 riders are all wearing helmets and sunglasses! Which means you have to make snap judgement calls using size, riding style, and vaguely visible attributes to dicern their identity while flying along at 30+ mph. This usually happens mid-stage when NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE HAPPENS (at least any more)! A missed call on a sprint bonus? Chill the **** out! They’ll get it to you in a minute. Very rarely is a bunch sprint miscalled and Paul usually catches it anyway. Those two got each other’s backs. Rant over.

Versus coverage…

Oh dear lord of god there are a lot of commercials. But between them comes the ****ing TOUR DAY FRANCE! You don’t see anyone else scrambling to cover our beloved spandex-fest do you? That pretty much rests my case.

Oh, and speaking of the Tour Day France Bob “Bobke” Roll is the man! How could you hate listening to a wordsmith who gives birth to phrases like: “Lance Armstrong is the eye of the hurricane and he’s headed straight for the Jan Ullrich trailer park!” Sweet, sweet genius.

Then there’s the race for 4th!

My prediction (which I already boldy Tweeted) is that the podium will have Contador, Armstrong, and Leipheimer on it, just not necessarily in that order. That Astana team is too powerful not to dominate at least the top two if not all three podium steps. The rest of the team will be in up there as well, but they’ll have to stand on that fake-yellow-jersey-brick-road-thingy sticking out the backside of it.

-Although… I would like to see Andy Schleck make the podium if possible. That kid’s alright in my book.
-Bradley Wiggins is riding a helluva race too. Unfortunately he’s also having to deny doping rather than being scolded for being so freaking skinny. Power to weight ratio you skeptical journalistic douchebags, it makes a difference. Just ask Jan.
-Christian Vande Velde is also riding nicely after having most of his bones broken in the Giro this year.

And finally…

If the nonsensical babbling above was cerebrally tantalizing in any form whatsoever then commit yourself to the flock and join me on Twitter! I promise I will disappoint.

Okay, that’s enough. I’m freaking tired. Until the next post.

Like a schoolgirl I am!

Giddiness. High-pitched squeeling. Random bursts of adreneline-soaked calisthenics. Just a typical morning for me during these first 4 days of Le Tour. I’ll readily admit that I haven’t had this much fun since the 2004 Tour. Okay, 2005 was good just for Lance’s 7th, but 2006 was destroyed by Floyd Landis, ’07 had its heart removed by the Chicken, and well, 2008 was a snore-fest except for Christian’s ride. So what gives?

The power of @lancearmstrong

Obviously the action so far has been great. Everyone wondering how Lance will do, how will the Astana team dynamics play out, and Cavendish dealing everyone some pain have created an intense bowl of intrigue soup. But there’s been something that’s taken this Tour over the top. The answer is Twitter; well Twitter and a host of other web-related tech niblets whipping our Tour frenzy into actual mania. Following various cycling lovers and publications allow us to get a myriad of responses and views of the action while it’s happening.

Before and after the stage you get unprecedented insight into the race and lives of the riders from their own Tweets. @lancearmstrong is the obvious king, but there are plenty of other riders who’ve seen the light and are adding to the mix. Here’s a good list that also happens to be my follow list!

Some of my favorites include, @LeviLeipheimer, @johanbruyneel, @ghincapie, @allandavis27, @CadelOfficial, and @taylorphinney to name a few of the riders I follow. I also follow a couple of the staples in the cycle-reporting industry and you can’t forget about the rest of us cycling nuts out there who make Twitter as instresting as it can be.

The most multi-media Tour yet

Also adding to the mix is Lance’s back of the bus videos. Posted on his Livestrong site he was massively prolific during the Giro. Frequently he has guests as well as a co-host like Levi. These videos give you another glimpse into the life of a professional cyclist and a view that normally wasn’t available before. Sure there have been movies and specials done, but nothing to the extent and timeliness of what we have now. Previously you might get a quick bite of an interview post-stage with Lance, but now you’re getting an intimate (sorry) account of the day’s race, whether it be good or bad.

Those with something to lose…

Of course there are the dissenters (the media) who claim that the coverage provided by him and the riders is one-sided. That’s one way to look at it. The other way to look at it, is this is unfiltered, unadulterated words straight from their mouths. Too many times have rider’s quotes been misconstrued to be tweaked to sell more papers, or get more hits on their site. The media definitely needs to be there to ask tough questions, but I want access to the riders without any filters.