As a veteran of countless Twitter mob moments re: disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong, I’ve found myself unable to get it up as of late. The frenzy is tired, the jokes are tired, and the mentally frayed misspelled rantings of the righteously indignant are most certainly tired.

However, it seems I can’t escape the madness entirely as we relentlessly build toward his Oprah moment. Yesterday, Al Jazeera “sought” me out for another soundbite to broadcast to the world. Apparently it was edited in a such a manner to make me sound intelligent. Kudos to that chap ‘cuz I was suffering from a raging case of verbal diarrhea. Unfortunately, I have no linx for said interview, but I’ve been told I was out there.

In spite of my best efforts not to engage the yellow stream, today has provided some much needed LULZ. Some were intended, some sadly, were not.

The Intended LULZ of Jon Stewart

Too good.


However, this is even better.

FIBIDRENE! DECEPTIPHREN! FRAUDULAX! DEFAMITOL!

Now, for some unintended LULZ.

Ohhhhhh, Phil…

If you see this man shuffling about in his fuzzy LiveSTRONG lion slippers and official Henri Desgrange jaune bathrobe, please help him. He’s clearly sick. Here are some winners gleaned from the field of his incoherent crop of mumblings:

  • “He is still a great athlete. The drugs he has taken were to beat the very, very best at the very top…”
  • “You can say he joined the crowd and did what he had to do to get the job done. That’s how an American thinks.
  • “Well, USADA said had he appealed and come clean, they would only have accused him of taking drugs to win two of those Tours.”

Velonation: Liggett now accepts Armstrong cheated, says he is ‘still a great athlete’

Verbruggen may, in fact, be insane

Deep in Lance's Pool of Yellow | Cycleboredom - The Dark Lord

For someone in such a position as his, he retorts with the verbal skills of a child. Or, your basic internet commenter.

Hein: “I don’t understand the whole fuss at all. If you test someone 215 times and he is always negative, then the problem is in the test itself. Well, I’m not responsible.”

Cyclingnews: Verbruggen denies responsibility for cycling’s problems

Ben Johnson Tells it like it is

“It’s only cheating if you’re the only one doing it,”

Mr. Johnson forgot the second rule of Dope Club: cheat better than the other cheaters and sure as hell don’t tell them how you’re cheating. Seeing as Wonderboy locked down Wonderdoc, he was most definitely cheating the cheaters.

Metro News: Ben Johnson tells Lance Armstrong to ‘confess it all’

Lance’s History of #Denialdoping

Velonews posted a treasure trove of LA’s history of denials. They are magnificent. Here’s just one:

“I was on my deathbed. You think I’m going to come back into a sport and say, ‘OK, OK doctor give me everything you got, I just want to go fast?’ No way. I would never do that.”
—Speaking of his life in an interview in Aspen with Bob Schieffer, a respected journalist with CBS and a cancer survivor

VeloNews: A decade of denials for Armstrong

Finally, *Not* One of Us Gets It

Here’s a fantastic overview of what Lance actually did, beyond simply doping.

“Everyone doesn’t make a commercial for Nike in which he ridicules any suggestion that he was ever “on” anything other than his bicycle, “busting my ass six hours a day.”

There never was a level playing field. Never.

New Yorker: What Lance Armstrong Did