I’m a conflicted cycling pontificator when it comes to “La Primavera.” The first of the monuments is friggin’ gorgeous and reeks of sultry history. But, (and it’s a big one), I simply can’t get it up for Milan-San Remo. Yet, oddly enough, I was ecstatic during the finale of the 2012 edition once Cavendish had been blown out the backside of the peloton. I say oddly, as RCS now sees fit to change the finish of the oft ****ed-with race. It ain’t the ending boys, it’s the nonsensical first 3/4 of the race ridden in traditional Italian “piaaaaaanoooooo” style. But, this is a recap of the race—time for screencap pr0n.

Dropping a Cav

Ohhhh boy, did the World Champ have a bad day. Let us indulge, shall we?

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Cav FaceThere’s no hiding when you’re wearing the rainbow bands.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Cav's GruppettoThey spelled gruppetto wrong.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Cav Dangling“You guys, wait up. GUYS!! WAIT!! WTF Bernie?!”

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Cav FaceThe painful constipation of being blown out the back.

That’s more than enough. I have plenty in reserve, but there was actually a Classics monument taking place.

Things Happening Before the Race was Won™

Being this is MSR, this will be the longest section of the post. EVERYTHING happens before the strategic portion of the race.

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - The Liquigas Lookback“We drop that dingleberry yet, or is he still clinging for dear life?”

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - CornersCorners—one of many.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Ugliest Screen Graphic EvahThis has to be the worst screen graphic, evah.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Tommeke HandyHey ladies, it’s *this* hand.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Club Rider, AgainThis guy is a PRO?! Are those spacers? What’s wrong with his armwarmers? WTF?!

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Cipo Between A Man's LegsGuarantee this is the ONLY time you’ll ever see Cipo between another man’s legs.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Gilbert WTF?Gilbert WTF-ing like a boss. Now it’s time to start racing like a boss.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Italy, WTF?!ITALY, WTF?! THERE’S NO IPADS IN CYCLING PHOTOGRAPHY!! -100 PANACHE POINTS

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Stijn And The TongueStijn’s either mugging for the camera, or looking for a date, or both.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - OPQS Height DopingHEIGHT DOPING!!

 

Editors note: I had to cut this **** short. There’s a crapload more of OPQS height doping and other random pelotonal hi jinx, but this is just way too effing long.

How the Race was Won™

We were treated to the annual fireworks festa on the Poggio, but what was different this time was the move stuck. Vincenzo Nibali took the initiative by making the attacking, immediately followed by Simon Gerrans. Ominously, and when is any move by Fabs not ominous, Fabian Cancellara also marked the move from a little further back. Once the Swiss rider caught the two escapees, the move instantly transformed into a #FabsClinic.

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackNibz just about to break free of the peloton’s gravitational pull—Gerrans right on his six.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackNibali as Lando and Gerrans as that dude with the flappy cheeks shooting out of the Death Star.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackThreading the needle between two damaged Tie Fighters, the pair continue their escape.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackNibz and Gerro trying to make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. Fabs hidden in the trailing group.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackFabs pops out from behind the moons of Yavin and begins to wind up the #FabsClinic

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackThe dark lord of the Sith is swift—he ruthlessly closes the gap.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackThat’s gotta suck.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Nibali AttackAnnnnnd just like that, the #FabsClinic begins.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - FabsClinicNibali struggles to keep the gaps from forming, but can’t match the descending of Fabs and Gerro.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - FabsClinicDescend, gap, rinse, repeat… #FabsClinic

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - FabsClinicThis is the exact point where RCS wants to end #MSR. Nibz iz still not #WEENING. LOLZ.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - FabsClinicNot slow. At. All. #FabsClinic

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - FabsClinicFabs performs the international symbol for “form my leadout train, bitchez”, but to no avail.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Gerrans WinsOoopsie, Gerro comes ’round the “strongest rider” and takes the win.

 

Cycleboredom | Screencap Recap: Milan-San Remo - Matty White MemeSoooo, there was a little bit of a discussion over Gerro’s win. Matty White tells it straight.

  • http://cycling.norbtech.com/ norbs

    Excellent recap. Tweeting live on the night helped bring a greater appreciation of it. 3 thumbs up.

  • Cosmo Catalano

    Do you have an exploitable for Condescending Whitey? Because that meme would be beautiful.

    • Anonymous

      No, but I guess I could set it up. I might hold that meme in my pants though. It’s a long season.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/MJ2TDIP27ICSAPRCXTRSNRXPKU Bike

    Brilliant!

    • Anonymous

      Grazie.

    • Anonymous

      Grazie.

  • Idle Eric

    Lazy Aussie sprinter of sorts sitting on then shamelessly taking the win. Haymaker next time FC.