You may have noticed the gaping hole in your life, but not know from whence it came? It’s the glaring lack of Screencap Recaps in your life. The racing has been lackluster and that’s not even when the action’s been neutered by the atrocious weather. As seen by laatste week in de Ronde, there was no action followed by a furious quickie on the Paterberg, with no cuddling afterwards. Solo until overwinnings.

That’s like totally different and like totally in the past now. In a hail (or is it swathe?) of synth sounds, our beloved Queen Paris-Roubaix has made it all better. Action when there wasn’t action, and when there wasn’t action, there was action! Racing until the bitter end.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - RSLT Leading
Setup shot to get our race started. Radioshack actually riding as a team. No seriously, photographic proof above.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Kelly On The Arenberg
Kelly throws down the gauntlet by calling out the entire peloton declaring he can ride the Trouée d’Arenberg with his eyes closed.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Offredo Down!
In an act of unbridled coincidence, the traffic island arrow points to the exact spot where Johann Offredo should place his knee should he desire to crash spectacularly.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Commissaire Crash
Luckily, Offredo managed to get off to the side of the road moments before der commissaire’s car blasted through destroying the screen graphics in the process.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Hayman Jersey Creep
C’est quoi, Rapha? Care to comment on Hayman’s #unclass jersey creep?

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Sad Spectator
Sad spectator is sad. He did not receive the memo re: Roubaix Cosplay.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - When Gorillas Attack
When Gorillas attack. This amounted to nothing, but it was awesome voor a few moments.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - STABLINSKI
STABLINSKI! #drink

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Arenberg Madness
Although not as selective voor the protagonists anymore, it still can make your day haz a sad. Just ask Geraint…

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Thomas Down
Geraint Thomas in his favorite spot: the wrong place at the wrong time. Every. Single. Time.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - TAYLOR EXCITE
Taylor Phinney blew off the front as the peloton entered the Arenberg. Sean Kelly remarked that he might be nervous. He’s not nervous, HE’S EXCITE!

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Thomas?! AGAIN?!
Wait, that can’t be… No, his jersey clearly says, “Mr. Every Single Time”. Le sigh…

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Gaudin
My “Who the F*** are YOU?” rider of the day goes to Damien Gaudin. The man rides his bike like he’s trying to wrestle an animal to the ground after jumping on its back. But it WORKS.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Thomas Crashes, Again
Mere moments after remounting, Geraint Thomas came a cropper on La Hourquette d’Ancizan.

Alright, time to begin #Fabsclinic

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Begin #Fabsclinic
Finally, #Fabsclinic begins. The peloton is strung out like Lindsay Lohan. Okay, LiLo’s low-hanging snaark, but I honestly can’t think of anyone else more synonymous ATM.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Turgot Also Races Bikes
Turgot also races bikes. Sébastien clearly giving his mechanic a vote of no confidence. As the winning move continued down the road, he gave his chances a vote of no confidence as well.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Chava
Oh hai, Chava.


Fabs telling Dirk he’s letting all these breaks go so he can Armstrong on Sestriere the s*** outta them. “Give me handsling to maket look I am tiered and really K.O. I also take sip from bidon. There eyes will be full fokus. Take a picture of littel Boom when I show the reallity.”

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Fabs Drink
*DING*

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Fabs Goes
*DING*

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Fabs Catch
Fabs about to catch Fernando Escartín and Ivan Gotti.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Gaudin Kills His Bidon
Gaudin snatches a bidon, promptly breaking its neck. Gel pack flung helplessly into the air.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Final Four
After catching then breaking everyone except Zdeněk Štybar, #Fabclinic catches Stijn Vandenberg and Sep Vanmarcke.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Very Nice
Oooo, very nice. #roadsideartdoping

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - This Guy
This guy’s about to make Stijn’s day suck.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - RACING!
Stybar and Vanmarcke battle in the theatre of awesomeness known as #Fabswheel.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Roubaix Madness
Stybar and OPQS’ luck ends here. Thing that Zdenenk hit (top) falls to the pave while some insane dude jumps out in front of Sep (bottom). Insane dude tries to push over the moto behind Stybar after the riders pass. WTF?!

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - STYPOD
CX crossover: Zdenek performs a STYPOD as he desperately tries to catch Seb and Fabs.

Then there were Two—Master and the Learner

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Fabian Mind Tricks
The master uses his Fabianese mind tricks to rattle the young padawan. All Sep needs to do is remain calm…

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Sep Burning Matches
Dammit Sep! The cave, remember your failure at the cave!

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Flecha Flap
Flecha, after catching Zdenek, hilariously, flicks his arm for Stybar to pull through. Forgive Flecha, for he does not know.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Crafty Veteran
Master Fabs uses some dark side trickery to shed his rival.


Padawan Vanmarcke isn’t such a bad pilot himself. He manages to avoid the Offredo trap.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Sep Burns Another Match
Master Fabs says with a wave of his hand, “This is not the pace you’re looking for.” Sep pulls through and burns another match.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - A Fist Full Of Brakes
Master Fabs has drawn the youngling into the Roubaix arena. Vanmarcke sensing danger, grabs a fistful of *rear* brakes. ‘Cuz he released the front. You know, ‘cuz we’re all carbon now, no issues.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Up Against The Wall
I’ll give it to Sep, he did everything he could against Fabian. For all intents and purposes they were evenly matched. #nosnaark

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - It Begins
It begins. <cue sweeping orchestral string soundtrack>

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Outta The Saddle
Fabs finally gets out of the saddle during the sprint just as Sep’s legs give out.


Fabian Cancellara vanquishes Sep Vanmarcke by a shadow to win Paris-Roubaix 2013.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Slow-Mo Overwinnings
Overwinnings at 60fps.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Fabsfall
I am tiered and really K.O.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Sad Seb
Seb so sad. No doubt how much he wanted this win. Gutted.

Screencap Recap: Paris-Roubaix 2013 - Thomas Down Again
Chasing back for the umpteenth time, Geraint crashes so hard after the Koppenberg he changed the broadcast to Sporza. Despite hitting the deck 27 times, Thomas managed to finish 79th. Chapeau!

Annnnnd, we’re done.

  • http://twitter.com/Chris_E_Dub Chris_E_Dub

    Cheeky cheeky with that ‘Geraint Thomas rolling on the grass shot’ – I see what you did there 😉

  • lunch meat

    “intents and purposes” ! But I kind of like intensive purposes. Come to think of it, that’s probably a long-standing joke here that I’ve managed to miss completely.

    • Cycleboredom

      Ha! You’re not wrong. Never even thought/questioned it, always have said it that way. Thanks!